...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
