Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
