You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
