This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
