girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
