the day after is always just damage control
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
