I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
