ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
