My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
