i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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