The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
