yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
