last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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