Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
