oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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