guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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