as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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