I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize