My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
