Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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