I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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