Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
