If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
