I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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