I accidentally had phone sex last night
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
