Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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