Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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