We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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