I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
