He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
