my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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