You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
