Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
