DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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