I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
