I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
