We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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