Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
