theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
