i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
