Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
