Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
