dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize