Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
