I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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