the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
