Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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