The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
