I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
