It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
did i walk over a car last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
