I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
